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Classic jokes from a great man, enough about me hum!!!!
Two blondes walk
into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
simply press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're
nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
*50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks
are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last
week...... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on
the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he
topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I
can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones
syndrome''. 'Is it common?'. "It's not unusual."
A man takes his
Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because
he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."
Two
elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish
with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice." ">
A man walked into the doctors, he said,
"I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there
anymore"
Irelands's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.
Two blondes walk
into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
simply press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're
nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
*50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks
are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant
pulled him in.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last
week...... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.
Our ice cream man was found lying on
the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he
topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of
his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
'Doc I
can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones
syndrome''. 'Is it common?'. "It's not unusual."
A man takes his
Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because
he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket
ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."
Two
elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish
with no eyes? A fsh.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says
to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice." ">
A man walked into the doctors, he said,
"I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there
anymore"
Irelands's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.
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